The in-fucking-between

The in-fucking-between. The wake up call, where you realize, how much fucking work you still have to do on yourself, to be the better self, you want to be. The in-between, the after and the before, but not, the in-between. Worse than the beginning and the after, the in-fucking-between.

The undefined, when something comes to an end, mine, my thing, is post divorce two years, trying to re-define myself, raise two little men, and their step-sister. Trying to survive the tricks of my mind and my heart, trying to find where we fit it. Working and trying to find a way to not work harder, trying to apply a creative approach, to put food on the table, to be able to also live life and adventure a while.

How can an undefined, person, make it work? Where funds are limited? There has to be a way, to do something on the side, to make ends meet, meet closer to a better brighter future.

Outside of bettering the views of the self and a broken heart, where does one start?

Finding love? no, too hard at this point, no one seems to fit, because I myself don’t fit. Finding new work? As far as that goes, I am lucky to say, is not what I need or want, I am happy where I am. I am lucky to work third shift, helping others, raising my kids, living in this house…another question, Where are we living? Should be go somewhere smaller? Is that smarter? But then, what would we be willing to give up?

The in-between. So, this brings me to making a list, a long list, of what I pay, what i want to make, where I want to see our life in 5 years, not yet a plan, more like the doodle of what may be a plan, I am a procrastinator by trade, I stop and smell the roses more than I should, I like to tip toe, and backtrack. But I always seem to make the pieces fit. It’s finding the motivation and the patience that I lack in the in-between.

I am by definition, also, not who I was before I fell for the “wrong” man, I am not who I was before mouths to feed. I was a jump in take it all, I don’t care where I fall, because, with just I, and not us, I was ready to get back up, no matter what. The falls didn’t matter, because I was I, now, the falls matter, because, they depend on not noticing.

They depend on me, and I, am unsure who that is, or where to take this little life of ours. How many falls can I take on, how many choices can I make, how much can I gamble, where my littles won’t notice anything changing? How much time can I afford to take to create a new way, additional to the now, to make ends meet, to be happier I am making what I want? Where does it all fall and fit in?

All questions that become rhetorical, because there are no answers, I mean, there is one, follow your gut and heart and take the leaps you feel need to be taken. That’s the only answer, phew, scared yet? Well, I have heard, and I’m pretty sure that it’s true, fear is not real, for it is a figment of the mind, more of the ego. We want to move away from ego, move closer to self, to soul, to spirit, where truth and love lay.

There is no sum up, because, this is on going, like life, is on going, the changes are on going.

You must be one with water, ever bending, ever fluid, always ready for the next waterfall.