who are you looking for?

What was it?

If you were to look back, a while back, let’s say, to the day you turned 18 and the idea of an R rated movie was no longer as exciting. The day where you realized that all your hard work will be shared with others through your hard earned paycheck. To the day you were happy you didn’t waste your time with all the high school bullshit and all the high school “fuck boys.” At the time of my 18th birthday they were not called fuck boys, they were simply, in my book, called male sluts. Which whom I had nothing to do with, actually nothing to do with any males, really, at all. I think my first kiss was on a school bus somewhere in the city of Denia, Spain, I am pretty sure he kissed me on a dare, I was 9 (ish). The next time I was kissed, well, it was not that big of a deal and at this point I can’t really recall. But I digress, 18, single, filled with hope, self worth, rebellion and ready to take over the world, one senior class at a time on my way to college greatness.

At the time, I could care less, what man looked my way and what man didn’t, or boy. Because that’s what they were, boys. My parents were hard core believers that I didn’t need to date, ever! Also that if I had sex I was condemned to hell, me, gullible, I believed it all. So, no dating, well maybe, once, Junior year in high school, he was a self centered narcissist of a boy who made me draw his art project, because he was bad and I was that good. I broke up with him, broke his heart, a few weeks after he said I Love You and I, well said nothing. After that, there was a bad boy I wanted to date, in college, but he came clean and told me he was bad for me, I believe him, damn religious guilt. But I didn’t really care, the dating thing, I didn’t know what it was and frankly, if you never, are you really missing out? I somehow knew, my meant to be would appear and I would be happier than pigs in shit.

Fast forward to college senior year, 2006. I lost virginity to an Italy guide a year prior and no experience, at dating, at all. Me, with the idea that I was going to meet my soulmate and he was going to sweep me off my feet, into forever. Right? I get it, I can see what you are thinking and I know, weird, a girl who avoided the selfish bad boys is in for it. There he was, in the distance, at Agave, in Hartford, CT. Not the kind of dreamy that is dreamy but he came over to say hi, to my table, where I was, on a weekday with a friend. No one had ever come up to me to talk to me, all smooth and stuff. We decided, her and I, that going out was the thing we should do before our senior year, last semester, took over our life. He was a smooth talker, gave me his sweater, closed the bar with me, and we hung out after because his friend’s friend knew the owner. Now I didn’t mention that I was a sucker, a sucker for broken men, I once tried to overlook the fact that this guy I “dated” was an “ex addict” who lost custody of his daughter because “her mother was a terrible person and took her a few states away!” Yeah, well I don’t know what to tell you, I was sheltered.

The man I met that night, was sweet and kind. The man I dated and later married was troubled, loving, careless, manipulating and lost. If I knew then what I know now, the flags where there, but I didn’t know any better. When you don’t know, you don’t know. But that is a different story, the story now lies in the question:

Who are you looking for?

So here I am, a divorced single mom, who at the age of 18 could care less what the man climate was like, but now at 36, freaks out that she will end up a cat lady. As a single mother, working hard, researching healing methods, healing herself and others and applying for nursing school. Here I am, lost and on the fence about what I am looking for. For a little bit, I was looking for a man or two, to entertain my sexual need, my need that was overlooked when I was married. It was a good few year journey but once I reached the next epiphany, the one after the “you must leave your abusive husband and find your freedom.” This next one was, please listen closely:

If you are looking for spiritual healing and to be woke as fuck! You must let go of empty connections and trying to fill the pain with one night stands, even if yummy wine and cheese are involved, trust me, there was a lot of cheese and wine. But, I am looking for a partner, an equally woke man. A man that can look into my eyes and tell me how fucked up his past was and how, with hard work and help, he has been making amends.

Let me not lie to you, now it’s liberating to walk away from me who use me but it can be somewhat lonely, but sexuality and a sexual connection is also a spiritual connection. Sex with a random person, or a friend who is not committed to you is not as good as with someone who chooses you, someone who you love and loves you as well. As much as my marriage was toxic towards the end, he was the one I chose to love and who, in his own way, loved me. There is no better, Devine connection than that with the one you love. So, if you, as I am, are looking for the forever, why are WE, with the men that have nothing to offer us, why are WE with the people who don’t honor us.

What does a good partner look like?

Um… to reiterate, I am still single, I can tell you what it does not look like:

1. Random 10 pm texts

2. Disappearing

3. Playing with your emotions; no call when they say they will, not showing up

4. Lack of action

5. Mixed communication; says and does not.

If I tell you that dating now a days is like riding a bike and the bike is on fire, it’s only because we are putting way to much weight into the end result, marriage. I am not looking for marriage, but it is a perfect example. My perfect advise is, YOU need to become clear on what you want. If you want fuck boys then chase and let them chase you. If you are looking to date endlessly and not find a forever then go forth and date. If you are looking for the man/woman who you want to share the milestones with, then please note that there will be so many cowards along the way.

COWARDS: In dating : One and anyone who is not willing to meet you where you are, one who lies about people dying in order to not have to respond to you, (it has happened) People who just want to have sex with you and do it by manipulating you into thinking they are into you. People who are there when they need you, who date you out of convenience for them. Anyone who does not call or text or want to actually meet you. Narcissists, energy vampires and those who talk but have no need for actions.

There, if you don’t like your time wasted and you are looking for a real human partner to share your life with, hold them as high as you hold yourself. If you are a hard working, caring, loving, artistic, magical, spiritual being who has come to dance with her demons and find her way in life. If you are a caring, hard working father who has realized what life really means and you want someone to meet you where you are.

Why would would waste your time on anything else?!?

In order to get what we need in this life, we must be it first. The love we seek is within us. As alone as it may seem some days, the love you have been giving away for free should teach you, that as you are able to give it to someone, one day someone will be able to give it to you. In this journey to healing, after we all have fallen down many times, we must find the time and the energy to get back up, ask for help, date because it’s fun to make new connections and know, as we love we attract love. Ultimately, we are looking for ourselves, for our own love, for pure self love. With this, all else follows. SO if all else follows then we must know that we are what we need. There is no answer in a partner, there is only the answer within ourselves and our journey. You must choose to have the best time of your life and when the pain of the past and the pain of missing someone to share it with rears it’s ugly head, know that we are all one and we are all connected. You are never alone. The friends that have been there all this time are always ready to give you the extra love you need. The community of healers (including myself) are here to guide you to your ultimate love and freedom. You must find your love first and cry when you have to, in order to heal, dance with them demons in your kitchen as you prepare your next meal. Dance with them at the gym as you enter the Yoga class you’re brave enough to enter. This life is about climbing slowly up the next big mountain. Take the time you need.

Head up fam, we got this!

Much love and healing always,

Raquel

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